Reflections from a retired competitive athlete.
I was once a very sedentary person. I started riding mountain bikes in 1996 and began racing around 1997. I spent a handful of years racing cross country mountain bikes. I loved being a part of a growing sport and a part of women’s racing. I can remember women not being allowed to jump off of features that men could jump off of. There was one event where a female friend and I had practiced the drop until we had it dialed. When race day came a few men tried to run out and block us. My friend told them to move or she would run them over. We both hit the drop and the rules of that particular race changed. At the time we didn’t realize it, but we were a part of laying down the roots of women’s racing.
Downhill Mountain Bike Racing
In 1999 I had a decision to make. I would either pursue racing cross country mountain bikes professionally or go to college. Luckily I had several older friends who explained that racing may only be temporary but a career would be forever. I chose college and became a dental hygienist. While in college I discovered downhill mountain bike racing and out came the rebellious and wild side of me! I would study like crazy but when I wasn’t in school or working I was on my bike riding with an amazing group of free riders who were also trail blazers for the sport. Inspired by Missy Giove and Marla Streb, I was all in with downhill mountain biking. These girls were hitting massive drops and doing things nobody thought would be possible! They showed the world that women do belong and that they can kick ass too!
Jumping my mountain bike over the dirt road
Dirt Biking in a Turkey Run
I rode with some very talented guys who took us girls under their wings and showed us how to hit drops, ride insane features and even jump our bikes over a road! The downhill mountain bike scene was just as supportive. There were very few women racing and although some of the guys at the races were not thrilled with women being there, most of the guys helped us step up our games and gave us the confidence and support to try to do what they were doing. Equality in the sport was not quite there yet but we were happy to be there doing our best at the races! After finally getting my pro license I had some really bad crashes and called it quits on racing mountain bikes downhill. It broke my heart but I found high altitude mountaineering which satisfied my wild side!
12k Camp on Denali
I took many years off from competitive sports and enjoyed a variety of activities. I took up white water kayaking, dabbled in trail running, mountain and road biked, snow boarded, rock and ice climbed, dirt biked and tried any sport that came my way! It was a lot of fun being good at all the sports instead of great at one. I loved the variety in my life and how my sports changed with the seasons. After climbing Denali my life took a drastic turn. I was going to move to Colorado and had found a job, place to live and gave my notice at work. Somehow I took a wrong turn and ended up in New Hampshire for several years before finally making it to Colorado.
Rock Climbing in the Gunks
Ice Climbing in the Adirondacks
My old life was gone and I ended up meeting trail runners. They pushed me hard and sadly I felt inadequate and like I had to prove myself. I was so sick of being called slow and compared to fast girls that I did all that I could to become one of the fast girls. Unfortunately I overtrained and ended up with a broken pubic bone which sidelined me for a long time. I realized the only way to be a fast girl and gain approval from the people around me was to hire a coach. I was hurt so deeply that my only goal in life at that time was to be one of the best runners. That is exactly what I did.
Photo by Philbrick Photography
I spent 8 years winning races, setting course records, being sponsored and grabbing FKT’s. I sacrificed everything to be the fast girl. I ignored family, friends, social outings and most of all, ignored myself. My competitive years of running races were the most sad and lonely years of my life. I put on an amazing show, I should have gotten an Emmy. Every race I won was an F U to the people who hurt me. I would win and then run away and cry. I had the most unhealthy relationship with the sport of running. I ran for approval, love and attention from others. If I didn’t win, people didn’t want to talk to me or asked me what was wrong.
I had to stay on top for all of the likes, kudos and attention from fans. When I would have a bad race or be recovering from an injury it was like I didn’t even exist. This really messed with my head. I was also called the “fat” girl at races by some of my competitors which hurt my self esteem even more. I decided to hire a nutrition coach who helped make me skinny, causing my hair to fall out and my thyroid to crash. Looking back at the photos of myself I am shocked I even had the energy to move. I put my weight back on and dealt with being the “fat” girl.
On social media and at the races I appeared to be a very confident and successful athlete. Inside I was dying. Most days I didn’t want to wake up and it got to the point where I started missing races and DNF’ing because I was not into that life anymore. I longed for the days of being one of the last finishers where nobody judged my performance and my friends were just psyched that I did something crazy. Finally in 2020 my life completely crumbled. I was tired and needed to go back to my roots. On a whim I decided on one last grand adventure which ultimately became my healing journey and the beginning of my new life. After seeing a post on social media about the White Mountain 100 and that someone needed to get it done, I knew I was the one to do it. That FKT was not just for me. I raised money for an amazing cause and am not sure I could have finished if I didn’t have such a powerful reason to even try it. After finishing the route I felt like I no longer had anything to prove…to myself or others. I finally found peace and forgiveness for everyone who had hurt me.
White Water Kayaking
I stopped racing competitively and have since done a couple of mountain bike, road bike and running races for fun. If an event calls to me I will do it. The hardest part of this transition is showing up at a race and letting go of wanting to win and instead just having fun. I have decided to officially retire from being a competitive athlete (although I now have personal goals and push myself on runs and bike rides just to see what I can do). I did enjoy the challenge of trying to win and seeing so many amazing race courses where I met some fantastic people! I don’t miss feeling stressed about having to podium or having to live up to the expectations people have of competitive athletes. Instead I found that I wanted to help people find joy in their sport which was something I never had until after I took a step back from being competitive. I loved race directing and making sure every athlete felt welcomed and did not tear down aid stations or the finish line until everyone came through. Everyone deserves to feel proud of their finish! I love to help people who are new to the sport safely attain their goals while maintaining their personal relationships with others. I also love to help competitive athletes find joy in competition and appreciate the ups and downs of training. Everyone belongs and everyone’s goals are valid.
Finishing the White Mountain 100
I never want anyone to suffer internally like I did and I certainly don’t want anyone to deal with preventable injuries caused by over training. My personal goals are now to be fit enough to do long mountain runs, long mountain bike rides and hop into a last minute race if it looks fun. My life is back to feeling balanced with social time and training. I spend time with both athletic and non athletic friends and enjoy the variety of conversations I have with people now. Most of all I am happy. I think we all deserve to be healthy and happy! If racing makes you happy, you should race! If it doesn’t, then focus on training for great adventures! If all you have time for are short workouts, consider HIIT sessions, strength training and short cardio workouts. If you maintain any type of fitness it will be much easier for you to do more when you have time if you choose. Also, you are always allowed to change your mind!
Alpine Mountain Bike Ride
My advice to you all is to always choose joy. Take care of your body and your mind. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. If you need help starting out, stepping back or chasing your dream adventure or race, reach out! I offer both one on one coaching and custom training plans to help you be your best self…emotionally and physically. <3